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ON BEING SAFE IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. FIELD TESTING RECOMMENDED. MEETS ALL AASP-1 STANDARDS.
USE FOR OTHER THAN ALIEN DEFENSE IS NOT PERMITTED.
COPYRIGHT 1994
SCHWA(TM). PATENTS PENDING. EDITED BY WILLIAM BARKER AND MARCEL LEVY. ALL RIGHTS
RESERVED. PRINTED ON EARTH. FOR INTERNAL
USE ONLY. LOSS OF THIS BOOK COULD ENDANGER INTERNATIONAL SECURITY.
DON'T DO IT...
FOR MORE INFORMATION ON ALIEN DEFENSE SEND A SELF-ADDRESSED, STAMPED ENVELOPE TO: SCHWA, BOX 6064 RENO NV 89513. IT WILL BE WORTH IT.
THE SITUATION: AN OVERVIEW.
Since the discovery of time, people have been pondering the skies, looking for clues. Often, when studying the books and thoughts of famous people, they asked themselves whether there could ever really be a way to defend themselves against the unknown. The art and practice of alien defense has always been foremost in the thoughts of many people and has been a formidable threat to the unknown for centuries. But for all its accomplishments, it has not banished the fear that, at any moment, something might jump out at you.
SCHWA Corp. is constantly searching for ways to ease your comfort on this planet. With the discovery of the amazing Xenon(TM) and other coatings used in SCHWA products, alien defense has entered a new era.
No longer will you need to ask yourself why--you'll know!
From alien detection to invasion survival, here is, for the first time, a complete line of actual objects you can buy and own that will end your doubts about the unknown, right now, forever!
Study this manual carefully. Commit its contents to memory--your mind is, in fact, the only truly effective means you have for preventing the unknown. And so, for the first time in actual history, our clients will no longer need to ponder the skies, wondering where it all began. They'll know.
THE ART OF ALIEN IDENTIFICATION.
Timely spotting and identification of alien ships is of the utmost importance. Whether the object is a cloud formation or an immense saucer of great power, you must be aware of your celestial surroundings at all times. Often, a formation of migratory birds will appear threatening and mysterious. Birds can be identified by their sharp cries and relatively slow velocity. Do not be alarmed. If you are still unsure, The Viewer(TM) will help you make your identification. [INLINE]
Unusual cloud formations, particularly in the early morning and late evening, have presented many challenges to observers on the ground. The best policy is to hide and wait until dark. When hiding is not possible, get away from the object as quickly as possible, remembering that motion will only attract unwanted objects to you. After dark, clouds will not usually emit an unearthly glow and/or sound. If one does, apply a Plutonium(TM)-coated Alien Repellent Patch(TM)[out of stock] to prevent abduction for up to 48 hours.
Even the celestial objects man has lived under for centuries--the moon, Venus and stars--can create the illusion of an alien ship. The Range Finder(TM) will let you know whether what you are seeing is yet another alien ship or simply a new moon. [INLINE] Direct visual identification is also possible. The lens shape of an alien ship is its only identifying characteristic. Study it carefully and commit it to memory. When a ship appears, you may panic but remain where you are while preparing for abduction. Forget everything that happens to you or your person for your own protection. After your experience, The Lost Time Detector(TM) will allow you time to invent a reasonable excuse before you are found and studied.
THE PRACTICE OF ALIEN AVOIDANCE.
In order to avoid potential abduction, the SCHWA Corp. strongly recommends that Clients avoid the following areas or situations:
1. Harmless areas with harmless beings present (homes)
2. Harmful areas
with no harmless beings present (fields, farmland, forests, abandoned
buildings)
3. Harmful areas with harmful beings present (cities, schools,
offices, hospitals, oceans)
No existing area or situation falls completely within SCHWA
Recommended Safety Guidelines. Our Clients, however, can achieve a marginal degree of security by accumulating many Xenon(TM)-coated products in their home, office or city. See the E-Chemical Handbook for recommended Xenon(TM) levels at various locations. Once your home has been marginally secured (or "Xenon(TM)-ized"), you must attempt to stay there at all times. When you must leave to perform a task or run an errand, ask yourself:
1. Is this task or errand truly necessary?
2. If so, can I hire another
figure to perform this task?
3. If not, did I answer the first question
correctly?
If, while outside your home, you do encounter unusual activity, it is better to err on the side of caution and consider such activities a threat. Witnessing or participating in unusual activities often results in abduction. React to such abduction according to the guidelines set forth in the next section. (Warning: ALL Clients who leave their homes or place of employment automatically invalidate any product warranties, implied or otherwise).
SAFETY IS TO BE PREFERRED OVER SORROW
SOME FACTS ABOUT ALIEN DEFENSE.
It appears to be in the nature of individuals to use violence to attain their goals, whether the motivation is a bag of shiny rocks or a chance for eternal life. Very few weapons, however, have proven themselves useful against alien ships. Any attempt to harm such vehicles will only worsen the situation, quickly resulting in abduction and experimentation that is both embarrassing and time-consuming. However, for those willing to make the attempt, the
SCHWA Corp. recommends (but does not sanction) the SCHWA Single-Shot Conventional Warhead Applicator-13:
[INLINE]
USING YOUR INSTANT STICKPERSON(TM).
The Instant Stickperson(TM) has been designed and assembled with your comfort and safety in mind. It is recommended that you carry it with you at all times.
[INLINE]
When you are faced with a potentially hazardous task, the Instant Stick Person(TM) can be reconstituted and instructed to perform the task in your place. Simply follow the directions on the reverse of the handy Instant Stickperson(TM) package. When the task has been completed, dispose of your Instant Stickperson(TM) according to state and local guidelines.
OPERATING YOUR CRAZY METER.(TM) [INLINE]
Confusing and unusual events happen throughout the course of a day. Whenever you need to feel like you know what is happening, simply point the activator end of the Crazy Meter(TM) at the questionable event. The Crazy Meter(TM) uses the latest in microcomputer technology and contains trace amounts of Hafnium(TM) and Lead(TM) to compare outside levels to preset standards. It is recommended that you send your Crazy Meter(TM) back to SCHWA Corp.'s Technical Services Division for recalibration every 20,000 readings or after one of your society's many cultural changes.
THE BEST PLACEMENT OF STICKERS.
All stickers included in the Alien Attack Survival Pak(TM) are prepared using substances known to be effective against objects of all kinds. Prominent display provides an added measure of security when threatening figures (those that rely on visible light for perception) are present. We recommend that Clients carry stickers with them at all times, since they are accepted as legal tender in most galactic locations.
QUICKLY ALERT YOUR LOVED ONES.
Although postcards and greeting cards bearing SCHWA visual and textual data may be used for communication purposes, the frequent use of such cards also helps our sensors across the planet to compile data regarding all kinds of activity. Therefore, it is recommended that such cards be sent at least once a week, to provide the SCHWA PercepNet(TM) with ever more data.
IN CLOSING: A FEW CONCLUSIONS.
We know the information in this manual will reduce your anxieties. Our Clients have a wide range of products available to aid in their goal of constant security, but remember that such security is only obtained by paying the price of constant vigilance. The SCHWA Corp. cannot be held liable for anything, whether the Client fails to follow instructions and uses products in an incorrect manner, or not (see Warning: Fine Print.)
When our products are used correctly and according to regulations, however, Clients should notice a marked decrease in the feeling that the number and frequency of unusual incidences has increased. If these products have been used according to instructions and your perception of unusual activity does not abate, feel free to call our Anxious
Customer Assistance Hotline at 1-5834-97-SCHWA for more product information.
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